Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The Method to our Madness

During this 4 1/2 years has come the heartache of not being able to conceive quickly. Many, many endless nights of trying and worrying...all the horrible thoughts and feeling..not to mention all the tears of fear that I would not be able to conceive. I still to this day will not be able to share with you the feeling I had of desperation..of hope..of total anguish. And only those that have gone through the same thing would realize all the pain and strain it puts on a marriage. We even talked about adopting. But that just still didn't seem the answer to our prayers. After living in Midland for a while and getting a little more established, we decided to go and seek the help of a fertility specialist. When walking into the waiting room of Dr. Bello's office, I was mortified to see all the faces gleaming up at me. All probably wondering why we were there. I was astonished to see all of these people in there..I couldn't imagine that so many were going through the same things and I'm sure having the same feelings that Mike and I were. You could also see on their faces the sense of hope..of just being in that particular waiting room..hoping for the one true miracle of life. I often wondered how many prayers were said in that exact waiting room. After visiting with Dr. Bello, we had come to the conclusion that this is really what we wanted. She was very optimistic..but very gruff all at the same time. She told it how it was..wasn't sugar-coating anything. We knew it would be expensive, seeing how our insurance and most insurance do not cover infertility. And boy was it! To this day, I sometimes don't know how we mustered up enough money for all those tests, doctor's appointments, checkups, sonograms, etc. I guess God does provide when you need it the most!! She said it would be extensive..some procedures that were going to be unpleasant...(and boy were they). We went through testing after testing. Tested my tubes...tested my eggs... tested your dad's sperm. This whole process of testing took several months. Until finally we found out that it was me only that was the hinderance in this journey. I felt so horrible...I prayed..prayed and prayed some more. I knew that Mike would not leave me because I wasn't able to have his kids..but I also didn't want to carry the burden of not being able to have a kid of our very own..from both of our genes, someone to see a reflection of both ourselves in a small lil' human being. So, Dr.Bello recommended that I take some medication. This medication did a number on me. And how Mike stayed with me through this process is unfathomable. I was horrendous. My moods were up and down..way more than they regularly are. It was like I was a different person...the hormones had taken over!! YIKES! After we realized that medication was not going to do the trick... we started the newest procedure of her checking my eggs..measuring them for size and volume..and then whenever the time was right to be released..she gave me a shot to help the process along. I was given the shot on June 23rd to see if my egg was going to release and if it worked we would conceive that week.That very next week...I could not think straight...the waiting game was the worse! We had a scheduled blood test for that Monday, July 7th in Dr. Bello's office. On Saturday, July 5th, I told Mike..I cannot wait any longer. I had to know the results...if it was to turn out negative (like all the others had) I would rather be emotional at home..rather than up in front of Dr. Bello and her staff. So we trodded our way through Wal-Mart to retrieve a pregnancy test. I got home..took the test..and to my dismay was a faulty test. Out of all of the tests I had taken over those past 4 1/2 years..I had never once gotten a faulty test. What?? I couldn't believe it. I was infuriated! Mike had been outside messing around in the garage..I stomped outside..told him that the test was faulty..griping and griping the whole way there and back to the house. I asked Mike if he would run up the street to Wal-Greens and grab us another one. And he did. So I had to muster up enough urine to add to this test that was just bought. We waited the 3 minutes...and 2 lines were present and then faintly..the plus sign. And when I say faint..I mean it was the faintest line you'd ever seen. I told Mike.."No, no way..we're just wanting to see that extra line". He said, "No.. I know you're pregnant"! I said, "Whatever"! And was now even more disturbed! Mind you, this was around 9 something at night by this time. Mike gets on the phone and calls my best friend and super mom, Mindy. Mike wanted to seek her advice on reading this stupid lil' pregnancy test that I was mortified about. HA HA! She said she'd be over in about 30 minutes..she had to get her four lil' ones settled in. After waiting what seemed like an eternity...she walks in the door and tosses 2 more pregnancy tests -this time the digital ones- onto the coffee table and said, "Go take!" So I went and took the first one... brought it back into the living room... laid it on the coffee table..and waited the other 3 minutes for the digital ones to take effect. We were just gabbing about how different life would be if I was pregnant. Both her and Mike kept saying..I know you're pregnant. Low and behold..I glance over..and that lil' digital pregnancy test said, "PREGNANT". WHOO HOO!! I could not believe my eyes. I couldn't even cry I was so in shock. Kind of felt like I had been run over by a mac truck! Mindy was in tears..Mike couldn't stop hugging me. We were ecstatic!! By this time it was around 11 something at night...Mike wanted to call everybody he knew. But I was so fearful that it was wrong... or that something would go wrong..didn't want to tell the whole world right away. On Sunday, Mike was just beaming. I can't even explain his face to you. It was soo cute! He looked like he had just opened up the biggest and best X-Mas present you'd ever seen. All day long he was beaming! On Monday, July 7th...we went into Dr. Bello's office..trying not to seem too anxious..but we were. They drew some blood and then the nurse told me we'd have to wait an hour for the results. Oh my goodness. Are you kidding me??Another hour?? Like I said, the waiting game was horrible! She told us if they don't call us in an hour..then we need to call them because they might have gotten too busy to call. I was like: too busy to call..this is important lady..this determines my destiny..are you kidding're really going to be too busy to call?? But I sucked it up..went back home...and I remember Mike and I crawling into bed together to rest. We just kept holding each other..wondering what the results would be. Wondering how different our lives will be. An hour went phone call. I told Mike to call...we argued about who would make that call..I told him I couldn't bear hearing the news from a stranger..I'd rather hear it from him. So he called..and the nurse came on and said..I'm sorry ..we don't have the results in yet.. UGGHH!!! More waiting! But not even 5 minutes went by and Dr. Bello called us..I made Mike answer. I heard her over the phone say, "Congratulations, y'all are pregnant!" WOW!!! It's really true..we're going to be parents... I truly do have life growing inside of me. I can't even explain the feelings I felt and how many prayers of praise I gave to God that day. Can you believe I'm going to be a mom??